Eccles: Inspector, I think I’m on to something. I’ve been tailing a car up the Great North Road for the last thirty miles, and it looks very suspicious.

Ned Seagoon: Overtake him at once!

Eccles: But he’s doing a hundred miles an hour!

Ned Seagoon: Well, try and pass him!

Eccles: Well I’ll try, but he’s got the advantage over me.

Ned Seagoon: Why?

Eccles: He’s in a car, I’m walking.

Ned Seagoon: You’ve got boots on?

Eccles: I’ve got boots on.

Ned Seagoon: Well, none of these silly excuses. Get that car!

Eccles: OK. Over and out!

Ned Seagoon: Right, now. Private Bluebottle, how’s the time going?

Bluebottle: It’s going tick-tock-tick-tock-tick!

Ned Seagoon: Must be the same make as mine. Mine goes tick-tock too!

Bluebottle: Mine doesn’t go tick-tock-too. Mine just goes tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-


Bluebottle: AOWWW! Someone’s hitted me with a brick! Face turns green, ears fall off, legs turn to jelly, goes cross-eyed with agony. Faints on soft part of ground.

Ned Seagoon: Bluebottle, are you hurt?

Eccles: Hello, calling Inspector Seagoon?

Ned Seagoon: Oh, blast. Hello, Eccles, what is it?

Eccles: Good news! I stopped that car!

Ned Seagoon: How?

Eccles: I threw a brick at the driver!

Ned Seagoon: You threw a brick-

Eccles: Just a minute, just a minute! OK. I just threw another brick at his mate.

Ned Seagoon: Eccles, you idiot, you-


Ned Seagoon: OW!

Eccles: Hello? Hello? Inspector Seagoon? I got his mate as well! Hello? Hello? Ohhh.


Don’t miss out on our next Yulefest Blue Mountains Show July 27th – August 1st 2015

The Best of British Comedy