Eccles: Inspector, I think I’m on to something. I’ve been tailing a car up the Great North Road for the last thirty miles, and it looks very suspicious.
Ned Seagoon: Overtake him at once!
Eccles: But he’s doing a hundred miles an hour!
Ned Seagoon: Well, try and pass him!
Eccles: Well I’ll try, but he’s got the advantage over me.
Ned Seagoon: Why?
Eccles: He’s in a car, I’m walking.
Ned Seagoon: You’ve got boots on?
Eccles: I’ve got boots on.
Ned Seagoon: Well, none of these silly excuses. Get that car!
Eccles: OK. Over and out!
Ned Seagoon: Right, now. Private Bluebottle, how’s the time going?
Bluebottle: It’s going tick-tock-tick-tock-tick!
Ned Seagoon: Must be the same make as mine. Mine goes tick-tock too!
Bluebottle: Mine doesn’t go tick-tock-too. Mine just goes tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-
Bluebottle: AOWWW! Someone’s hitted me with a brick! Face turns green, ears fall off, legs turn to jelly, goes cross-eyed with agony. Faints on soft part of ground.
Ned Seagoon: Bluebottle, are you hurt?
Eccles: Hello, calling Inspector Seagoon?
Ned Seagoon: Oh, blast. Hello, Eccles, what is it?
Eccles: Good news! I stopped that car!
Ned Seagoon: How?
Eccles: I threw a brick at the driver!
Ned Seagoon: You threw a brick-
Eccles: Just a minute, just a minute! OK. I just threw another brick at his mate.
Ned Seagoon: Eccles, you idiot, you-
Ned Seagoon: OW!
Eccles: Hello? Hello? Inspector Seagoon? I got his mate as well! Hello? Hello? Ohhh.
The Best of British Comedy